No One Will Believe

No one will believe I am addicted to heroin. After all, I eat organic food, apprentice on an organic farm, milk goats, have had two home births, and am trained in herbal healing and massage therapy. Oh yes, and did I mention, I am a stay-at-home mom. I mean, people can come over any time and see that I am at home, nodding off while vacuuming. Pretty impressive, huh?

No one will believe I am addicted to heroin. After all, I eat organic food, apprentice on an organic farm, milk goats, have had two home births, and am trained in herbal healing and massage therapy. Oh yes, and did I mention, I am a stay-at-home mom. I mean, people can come over any time and see that I am at home, nodding off while vacuuming. Pretty impressive, huh?

It’s funny how ludicrous my life was. There is definitely an image that comes to mind about people with the above description, and usually that image isn’t a heroin addict. I really had people fooled. Just because I wasn’t listening to punk rock any more or going to Grateful Dead shows, it seemed I was really becoming something in the hippie-gone-good world. I thought I was doing well because I had periods of clean time, moments of inspiration, and glimpses of clarity.

I had given myself over to something when I was a youth, but didn’t even realize it. Even though I used willpower at times and my conscience kicked in sometimes, I was haunted by the same old spirit of enslavement of my youth. It started off as an attitude of “you only live once” and “if it feels good do it,” but then all of my childhood dreams went up in smoke.

The evils of the world do not discriminate about who they attack. Contrary to popular belief, they don’t just single out those that some would call low-life or poor, leaving the well-to-do alone. They came after me, and I was what most would call well off — a blue-blooded Charlestonian. But the evils allure you. They make everything seem bigger, better, faster and more alive. It is followed by deception, denial, and last of all, death. Ultimately, that is the only reality to your pipe dreams.

Do you think organic food will save you? It didn’t save me. Working with the Amish didn’t do it. Having beautiful children didn’t even do it. Just because I had times when my willpower prevailed doesn’t mean the desires weren’t hovering over me like a carnivorous bird, waiting for its prey, waiting for the moment of weakness to set in, and then attack, only to leave you for dead.

It is a miracle that I’m alive. I lived after falling asleep at the wheel and totaling not one, not two, but three different vehicles. I was in eight wrecks and overdosed twice. Somehow, through all of that, I was preserved. I’ve seen bloody battles, tasted the essence of death, only to be humbled, humiliated, ashamed, wanting to know the truth and why I am alive. Something kept me knowing that some day I would find life, if I could just hold on.

I have a friend named Roah. We used to work at a health food store together. We used to talk about the Bible a lot. We were searching for something to belong to. Eventually I went and lived on a Christian farm for a year and a half, herding goats and sheep and tending the fields. I think that I wanted something that I could never find in church — a real life. Later, Roah met a people who lived in community. She eventually moved in with them, along with her sister and her sister’s husband.

I didn’t fully understand what they were doing, but at one point they came back to sell their house. They had a huge yard sale and I went over to see them. When I arrived, I walked in upon a beautiful people. They had brought their new friends from the community. There were young girls preparing yogurt and granola, another man was playing the hammer dulcimer, and everyone was diligently helping paint and clean the house. As we were talking I came to realize that these were the same people that I had seen so many times before at the Grateful Dead shows. They used to go there in a big maroon and cream-colored bus called the Peacemaker. They had helped me one night when I cut my foot, and had given me a magazine they called a freepaper. Now, here they were, right in front of me, and my friends were going to be a part of them.

For whatever reason, I didn’t have the courage that day to go with them. My friend Roah wrote me a few times and even visited me over the next six years. Her words were filled with love and joy. She truly had revelation of why she was living. Her name in Hebrew means “to see,” and she had obviously seen life. She had finally found what we used to talk about in the health food store. She had what I wanted.

So, nine years after meeting the Community, I finally decided to visit. My husband and I looked on the back of one of the freepapers and saw that there was a community in Savannah, only two hours from Charleston. We called and Roah’s sister and her husband happened to be living there. They also were old friends from way back. We ended up visiting and falling in love. Because of the mess I had gotten myself into, it took us about eight months to finally move in, but we visited every weekend and always hated returning to our lonely home when our visits were over.

Finally we became a part of this community. Now I am not carrying the guilt of my past because I am truly forgiven and have a new life. My brothers and sisters love me unconditionally. This is because the Son of God, Yahshua, loved me first. I could now understand this because I saw a people loving one another in the same way. It’s life for life, without compromise. It is a covenant. He died for us, so we must die to our selfishness, which runs very deep. Now I have new brothers and sisters, and new desires. I know that my life was preserved for a purpose, and I am thankful that I can now live out that purpose.

~Ashley

The Twelve Tribes is a confederation of twelve self-governing tribes, composed of self-governing communities. We are disciples of the Son of God whose name in Hebrew is Yahshua. We follow the pattern of the early church in Acts 2:44 and 4:32, truly believing everything that is written in the Old and New Covenants of the Bible, and sharing all things in common.

Please Contact us

   mail_us (@) twelvetribes.org
   +888.TWELVE.T

   Or call the phone number of your nearest community.