I was ten years old when my parents got divorced, and that caused a lot of anger, hatred, and confusion in me. By twelve, I was fed up. I saw all the injustice in the world, and I wanted out. I didn’t want to be like everyone else, and end up with two children, a nice house, a car, and a husband who would eventually leave me. I began to totally rebel against all of society’s norms. I hated myself so much because I never felt like anyone loved me.
My friends were a lot like me — unhappy, rebellious children. They were mostly older though, around fifteen or sixteen. I wanted to be just like them. I wanted to have their freedom and independence. So I began doing the drugs they did when I was twelve. I loved it, because it made me happy and I escaped reality; I could be anyone, or do anything, and nothing could hurt me.
By the time thirteen came, I was a mess. I was high all the time. I couldn’t handle being straight, because I hated myself so much. I tried to kill myself many times, but always failed. This made me feel even more worthless. I became hateful and bitter and totally consumed with anger. “Why is God doing this to me?” was what I wanted to know.
I’d do some drugs and be happy for a while; I’d come down and want to die. It was an endless cycle. Every time I fell in love, I always got hurt. My emotions went through such a whirlwind of ups and downs, that I finally got worn out. Then I built up a wall around my heart that was so strong nothing could phase me. It allowed me to walk around totally emotionless — never laughing, never crying, just like a zombie.
At fifteen, I ran away. That only got me into more trouble. When I got back home, I quit doing drugs for a while through the help of one of my friends, Janet. She was a real friend.
When I was sixteen, I met Paul. He was nineteen, and different from all the other guys I knew. He was so sensitive and caring. We really loved each other a lot. We decided we’d get married, once he finished college.
As our relationship grew, however, so did our fights. Every time we talked, we fought. It was hopeless — my dream of love, happiness, and friendship was completely shattered in less than a year. That’s when I really flipped out.
I started acting wild again. I knew it would really hurt him to see me kill myself on drugs because of him. I began hanging around bars and clubs, getting to know the “in” people of Boston’s music scene. I’d go out with my friends and do lots of cocaine and act cool. I felt so important; a tough-looking seventeen year old, hanging around with the musicians in the bands.
When Paul found out I was with all these guys doing coke, he got really mad. We fought and fought until we stopped going out. That made me do more drugs and drink more. I’d sit in my bedroom with a bottle of alcohol and a few lines of coke and my worries would all go away.
I hated drugs. I hated my life. I knew my entire existence was one big lie. I acted one way to look cool, but inside I was totally lonely and empty. I always hoped that some day one of these guys would fall in love with me.
About a year later I wanted out, so I became a Deadhead. My first show was paradise; I smoked angel dust and got scared for awhile. But then everything turned purple. The music came alive, and I actually felt happy. People talked to me. They were so neat. They seemed like a huge family.
I started to look more and more like a Deadhead. I wore tie dyes and Indian skirts. I wanted so badly to fit into the life of unity they all seemed to have.
At my last show I got fed up. I realized that this unity and love wasn’t the unity and love I wanted. I wanted something lasting, not just one show after another. I flipped out. The show was awful: I still hadn’t found what I was looking for. I sat backstage and cried. I said, “O God, please let me die. I can’t goon like this anymore. Let me die, or let me have something real.”
Less than fifteen minutes later, I received a Freepaper. From then on, my life completely changed. In that paper I found a hope for a life filled with true friendship, love and happiness. I visited the Community off and on for two months. Every time I left, I cried.
My eyes saw the love these people had. I could hardly believe it was true. I moved in on August nineteenth and on August twentieth I was baptized. Since then, all my heart’s desires have been fulfilled. I have found my true freedom, happiness, and peace. My life is so wonderful. Only through Yahshua could I have found such love. Because of Him I can live a life of love with people who also love me. I am so thankful for what God has given me. I am thankful for the friendships that I have.
Do you have a dream to find a life filled with unity? Do you desire to live with many people who will love you? People who are there for you always? People who won’t ever leave?
Do you believe there is a greater love to be found? I know where to find it.
Come visit, see the life waiting for you.