BOOM! The end of the world!! My universe split, ripped in half, and I was left out in the cold, that was the end…..my father left my mother!!
Before that I remember many warm sunny days, when we were together, playing in the garden, holidays, trips to the beach. My father seemed so happy and my world was intact, but now I doubted his love for us, how could he leave? I felt the pain my mother was experiencing, the rejection, the questions: Why? The dark, empty cold feelings. To me it really was the universe splitting in two. Your parents are everything to you in those early days; your pillars, your security, they are like God. Now it seemed like God didn't care, like He just blew up all He created, I felt abandoned!!
Although I saw my dad after that (well, once a week), there was always a great distance between us, I never knew his love for me, I never knew his heart towards me. I always thought that I reminded him too much of mum, and it was clear how much he didn't love her!!
I think most of my childhood all I longed for was that my father would take me in his arms, that I could see his love for me, that I could feel the warmth of where I came from!!
I think there is something in every human being to want to know where he comes from, to find out why he is alive. Every one more or less in some way or another is on a spiritual path, and as I grew up, I was too, fueled by my experience when I was six to want that security again, to know that warmth that comes from being connected to your father.
In today's age that yearning in man's soul is increasing more and more, especially as the split between parents is increasing too. Back when I was six I was one of the only people in my class at school to have divorced parents. I would watch my friends with their fathers and long to have that special relationship.
Nowadays it is rare for families to consist of mothers and fathers. It is rare for children to experience the security that comes with a family unit in the way it was always meant to be, in the way humans were created to live, male and female together!!
Back in olden days there was a certain order to a family: the man was the head and worked to provide for his family, and his wife raised his children to one day work with him. There was peace and freedom allowing a man to pass on all that was in his heart to his children, that they would follow in his footsteps and his livelihood. All that he had worked for would be kept alive too, not to mention the bond between him and his children.
But where are fathers today? There is something in a man to not want to take responsibility, to not want to rule; and something in women to want to take over, to rule over, but that's not the order we were created to live in, and if we could get back to that then maybe there would be harmony. Maybe a father would then have the respect from his children in order that he could pass his heart onto them. That was truly what I wanted in amongst my spiritual searching. Somehow, I wanted to get back, get back to how it's meant to be and get back to where I came from. I always longed that my father would have some kind of guidance for me, some direction, something that he would pass onto me from deep in his heart; but he never did.
That longing in my heart to want to be held in the security of my father's arms never left me and when I was 23 it was even more present in my life. I needed to find love and where it came from.
I'm not blaming my parents and not holding my father responsible, I was no better than them, I did not live a life in a covenanted marriage, I hurt people too. But I know the cries of my heart for things to be different, for there to exist a place where it was possible for families to stay together, a place where the hearts of the fathers were passed onto their children.
These cries were answered when I met a people living together in a communal life. I remember seeing the unity in the families, there was peace as the fathers were ruling by taking responsibility for their family, sons and daughters in the security of their parents, and wives submitting to their husbands. There was no divorce and no relationships outside of marriage. There was a special bond evident between the parents and their children, their hearts seemed connected.
As I learned about the way they lived and the man they followed, I also learned about the heart of God, the true heart of God, that His heart is for mankind. His name and character has been misrepresented for years through religion; but I learned that the creator of all, our true father, where we all come from, we are his sons and He wants to pass on His heart to us so much, He is just waiting for us to respond. The whole universe is on hold for us!!. Sin has kept us separated. He never left us, and the only way to be connected to our father, the source of all life is through Yahshua!