Here I am on my way to Hampton, finally FREE from my parents. l left a note for them before I left. I assured them of my love and I told them I'd be back April 4th to go back to school. I'm not sure if I'll go back though. l can't wait to get to Hampton.
I don't want to be with these people I am driving with anymore. There is so much tension between the four of us. I thought I'd be so happy once I left home, but I'm still not happy.
I guess I'll be happy once I get to Virginia. There will be so many people like me there. I need people who I can relate to and who will love me for who I am.
We've been in Hampton for almost two days now. People are piling in. There are people everywhere.
I ran into Jodi last night. I was glad. I left the people I drove here with and hung out with Jodi.
Last night I spent the night with her and a bunch of people I had never seen before. We stayed at the Days Inn. I felt so insecure.
I was so scared that these people would find out somehow that I had only been to three shows in my life. I tried to somehow act cool enough so that this question wouldn't even enter their minds. I was also so scared that they would find out that I had never done coke or heroin or ecstasy. What would they THINK of me? I thought.
This one guy asked me if I wanted a hubba. I practically broke out in a sweat. I didn't know what a hubba was. I told him “no” to be safe. I get so mad at myself sometimes. Why can't I be cool, laid back. I get so deep into what people think of me sometimes. It drives me crazy.
Maybe I'll start doing heroin and ecstasy so I can get this way. I don't know. I'm just glad I have a ticket for tonight's show. It'll get my mind off all these things for awhile.
Tonight when I was in the show, I didn't even get into the music. I don't know what it is. I think maybe I was too self conscious. Somehow the Dead didn't sound as wonderful as I was used to hearing them. They sounded so mechanical or something. I don't know, maybe it was just me. I just want to be HAPPY.
I haven't written for a while because it is so hard to find time. I am in Hartford now. In New Jersey I met a guy who I am now travelling with. I've decided that I'm not going back to New Hampshire to my parents' house. I will be going out to California after the east coast is over.
Today I was walking around the park and back and forth to hotels with my boyfriend. Whenever I would be walking with him, hand in hand, I would feel like I was on top of the world.
But then later we split up for a couple of hours, so he could go make some deals while I got our tickets. When I walk by myself, I pretend to be secure in who I am, but ... I feel so INSECURE.
I get so deep into myself and how I am walking and what I am wearing, it drives me crazy. There always seems to be someone else, another deadhead who I want to be just like. I am never content in who I am. Who am I ANYWAY? I would like to change the world by my own strength. I turn off lights to save electricity; I don't use styrofoam to save the ozone; I don't eat meat to save the animals. I think it is me who needs to be saved, more than any of those things.
Anyway, I found my boyfriend and we walked over near the civic center. I still needed to find our tickets. I crossed the street, away from him, and put up my finger. It was 6:30 and the sun was shining so strong. I was imagining how the show would be tonight, as I stood there. I was getting anxious. I realized a man was walking right towards me and I saw him taking some tickets out of his pocket. I got excited. He handed me one and kept walking. I turned around quickly and ran after him. I caught up to him and asked him if I could give him a hug. He hugged me and told me that the sunshine was mine. I wasn't sure what he meant, but I knew that it would be a wonderful show. I crossed the street and told Eric I had gotten my ticket — for free. A friend of his was standing there and asked how did I get a free ticket, and so fast. Before I could say anything, Eric said, “Look at her,” assuring his physical attraction to me, I guess. l didn't mind. I felt more secure when he said that.
When we went into the show, we took some ecstasy and hung out with the family. The Dead opened with Franklin's. We started dancing, we started getting off on the ecstasy.
Some come to laugh the past away,
Some come to make it just one more day.
Whichever way your pleasure tends,
If you plant ice, you're gonna harvest wind.
I realized that this is what it's all about, just making it one more day, as high as you can be, or as long as you can get into the next show.
Somehow in me deep down, this made me sad. I ignored this pain in my heart though because, to be honest with myself, I don't know where else I'd go. This is the only place where I feel at home or where people want the same things I do, I think. What else would I do?
I took some more x so I wouldn't get so down. I feel so good when I'm real high. I don't ever want to come down. I love everyone so much when I'm like this. Why can't it always be this way?
The show ended and I couldn't find my Birks. They are the only shoes I have, so I panicked. I ended up finding them right where I left them.
Sameach, He'emin, and Tohorah were at the show today. There were others, too, from the Community.
I met some more of them today, some of their wives. Somehow I am intrigued by them. But I'm not sure what it is. They are so kind to me every time they see me. I'm scared. I'd like to talk to them and even be with them, I think, but I'm just scared. I don't know what I should do or what I shouldn't do. I think deep down in my heart, I want to be with them but I'm scared to listen to my heart. Almost every time I can think of, that I've gone by what's in my heart, I've been hurt.
I've learned instead to go by peoples' outward appearances, what they wear, how they hold themselves, how laid back and cool they are. I usually favor people who always seem to have it together (unless they get real high) people who do heroin, liquid, ecstasy, and mushrooms. Sometimes I just wonder if they will die tonight or make it through until tomorrow or when they will do it again. I just wish that there was some way that we could all be together, maybe even with the music, but without the drugs. Some way that we could all love each other with all our hearts and not be so selfish and greedy.
A lot of things have happened since I last wrote. I never made it to California. My dad came to find me at Worcester and brought me home. Sometime around the twentieth of May I went to visit the community in Vermont, the people whom I had met in Hampton and Hartford. I realized the first time I visited their home that what I had sensed in the depths of my heart when I first met them was right. I had sensed that they truly loved one another, that they shared everything, their lives, their possessions, their hearts. They actually shared their hearts with one another. There were no superficial friendships. No one kept up a certain image. It seemed that all barriers were broken down and somehow they were given the power to love one another with ALL THEIR HEARTS.
I've been living here for eight months now. What I saw when I first came here continues to be a part of my everyday life. Much healing is coming to me through my brothers and sisters. I need to be healed of so much. Everything I learned in the world I learned wrong.
I learned how to think wrong.
I learned how to love wrong.
I am learning everything new, as if for the first time. My friends are so gentle and patient with my condition. We all have similar conditions because we all grew up in the same perverse, corrupt society; no matter which side of the country or which side of the world we came from, we all have the same fallen nature, we all have been affected by the fall of man.
Before I came here I didn't even know if I believed in God. I wasn't raised in a religious family. No one ever taught me that I should love my Creator, no one ever taught me HOW TO LOVE.
I was taught how to read, how to play sports, how to dress, but no one ever taught me how to love.
I have come into a life now in which the most important thing to us, above all others, is that we would love one another. We have countless opportunities all day long, everyday, to love one another.
This is the life I've always wanted. People living together and giving all they've got to one another, giving their whole heart to one another, day and night.
I am so thankful that I am finally happy.
I have peace now.
I know who my friends are and I know they will never leave me.