The Big Black Hole that Grew within my Soul

There I stood, trembling on the crumbling edge of my sanity. The void that welled up within me bore full witness to the ever-darkening recesses of my mind. This strange amalgamation of confusion and profound emptiness churned endlessly as the pain of a wrecked life lurked close behind, taunting me to dive in headfirst. This indeed, was madness.

Who was I? What had I become? The innocent boy of my childhood lay slain by the guilt of my corroded conscience, and the enlightened identity that I had hoped to attain hovered light years away, like a star in a distant galaxy, tempting me with the reality of its shimmering presence. It was now obvious that the daydream was over and there was no pot of gold at the end of this rainbow.

Where was the promise I had caught a glimpse of at the beginning of this journey? How many years had I spent in a haze, chasing the elusive vapor trail of self enlightenment just to find myself burned out and empty handed? I had so many questions about life, and no one seemed to have any real answers. I assumed that the answers I sought could only be found deep within my own psyche. Surely these “inner truths” would lead me to the intangible God that modern, plasticized religion failed to deliver. After all, they taught that God's likeness was supposed to dwell within mankind anyway, didn’t they?

So, under the misdirection of the “LSD gospel” preached by men like Timothy Leary, Aldous Huxley, and Ram Dass, I took the self-defeating approach to finding “selflessness” through drug-induced self examination.

With the hope of one day being like the sun, shining warmth and life on those around me, I blasted off into the ever-expanding universe of self-conscious, vain imaginings. There I was, drifting around aimlessly in my own head space, soaking up every ray of “light” and morsel of love I could gather, storing them up for the day that I might shine on all those around me. But it was never enough. I failed to recognize the fact that I was completely self-absorbed. My head was so far up in the clouds that I could barely function here on earth, in the real world. I was a burden to those who loved me. Instead of being like a star, I had turned inside out and become like a spiritual black hole. Beyond futility, my existence had actually become the essence of destruction. I couldn’t begin to perceive the extent of damage I had inflicted upon my soul, much less the pain I caused others.

If this is something that you can relate to, then don’t lose hope. There is a light at the end of the tunnel for those who are truly humble and realize that there is no fulfillment in self-fulfillment. This light is a pure, true light that is the essence of life and love. This light has a name, and His name is Yahshua. He is the Son of the Living God. He cannot be found in organized religion, in the mirror of self enlightenment, or the concept of having an open mind. He can only be found in the context of an open heart, in a place where brothers and sisters live together in unity and love each other more than they love themselves. These are people who know the true gospel and their lives accordingly.

Amazingly, I have found them. They are in the communities of the Twelve Tribes, and I have seen Yahshua through their hearts. Now that I have become part of this people, I am finally beginning to get past my self. The black hole that was sucking the life out of my soul is being healed now, and the likeness of the true Son of God is taking root in my heart. If this sounds too good to be true, don’t hesitate. Please come and see for yourself.
~ Chris

The Twelve Tribes is a confederation of twelve self-governing tribes, composed of self-governing communities. We are disciples of the Son of God whose name in Hebrew is Yahshua. We follow the pattern of the early church in Acts 2:44 and 4:32, truly believing everything that is written in the Old and New Covenants of the Bible, and sharing all things in common.

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